mood swings

— 2 hours ago
October 1, 2014

bit of a long year it’s been hasn’t it? actually now that I think about it, it’s gone by quite fast. but that happens every time this season comes around; if you could recall every single day of the year by detail, it would seem much longer. however we just get to hang onto the most important memories and thoughts, and since those usually don’t go beyond a handful, that only leaves us with so much to recall over the course of 365 days. 

I graduated college back in May. I think the exact date was the 18th or 19th. Just like any big money college these days, they give you an empty diploma holder and withhold the actual diploma until you’ve all your things signed/paid off. in the meantime, I’ve been working a lot, and putting a lot of time into music. I have been photographing, although much less than before. However I feel I’m taking a much more natural pace to it now. 

Without all the academic pressure, I feel I can now take a more deliberate approach to my days. In exchange for what was my social life, I’ve gotten to spend much time thinking about how to move forward with my future and seek self-development. I feel that throughout college, my health both physically and mentally suffered from much stress. With running, yoga, a good diet, and plenty of time to navigate through my mind, I’m back in touch with myself and it feels really good. 

The extra free time has given me a chance to work on bad habits I feel I’ve acquired throughout my life while also forming positive ones in their place. Having a chance to focus on yourself entirely, at least temporarily, will cause you to be extremely self-aware of the small patterns in your life that reoccur every day without notice. This can be everything from how you ease the heat up on the frying pan every time you fry an egg to your instant emotional reaction to sensitive subjects in conversation. All this thinking, paranoia, introspection, whatever, has given me a pretty good point of reference for how I have become who I am today.

To be faced with the objective truth, and allowing myself to learn from it, no matter how painful, has singlehandedly provided the platform for which I have built my sense of adulthood upon. Prior to that…well, I didn’t believe in a whole lot, much less myself, and life seemed much more…bleak. When I realized I could change my life entirely by shifting my perspective on it, I would never be the same angry, frustrated adolescent again. 

In much of the time I spend sitting at this desk, I do maintain somewhat of a social media presence, or whatever you may call it. It is much less than what I used to indulge in, but when you undertake seclusion, it is important to retain a grasp on the outside world, or whatever physical, material exploits may constitute it. It doesn’t mean you need to participate in some kind of a dialogue in every instance, but knowing how the wheel of the world turns forces me to see my role in the scheme of our giant social machine. 

I guess I just felt the need to land and reassess my flight trajectory before taking off again, or else maybe I would have been stuck in the air, certainly going somewhere, but not really knowing where I was in the process. 

I can’t believe I turn 24 at the end of the month. Well, I can believe it cause it happens every year, but I’m beginning to actually feel my age and the way life changes after you’ve been on this planet for over two decades. i think I’m ready…but who knows. That’s for the future to decide. For now I am just patiently rolling along, breathing everything in the best I can.

As I’ve been more and more socially withdrawn this past year, I’ve made up for that time by developing an intimate relationship with a very close friend of mine. After my last few breakups, and the time I spent alone after, a chance to develop a new knowledge of myself and another individual emotionally has played a big role in learning about myself, and getting a better idea of how I want my future to look. I find a real sense of security and love in having a consistent partnership that is built on trust and sincerity. She may live across the country, but our ability to communicate well has rendered us both quite attached to the other. I’ve met nobody I could compare her to.

So the next move? I’ve decided to set my sights on the east coast next year. Lauren, my gal, and I will be moving there together in the springtime where she will be continuing her education in nuclear medicine and I will continue to pursue my musical/artistic exploits. I have begun brainstorming some short term small projects to partake in, photo-wise as well. I feel I’ve been absent from behind the viewfinder for long enough. Income-wise, I’ll just be continuing to deploy whatever I can employment-wise in order to finance my new goals in the foreseeable future. There is much excitement and anticipation in the air as everything falls into place. Everything’s going quite well, and while I could certainly ask for more, I’m happy with all I’ve got for the moment :)

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this is the sort of web content i am looking to see every day


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